The following short story has been offered towards The Noel Edmondses Beard Anthology as can be seen on Authonomy. It is a fun book of short stories made up by Authonomites in tribute to the man himself. It is by no means to be taken seriously or intended as a slur on Noel. It is meant in the best possible way with all good intentions. It will only make sense to those who know of him. To all others I apologise for the 'in house' humour of we Brits.
Life as Noel Edmonds Beard
By Lorraine Holloway-White
Clip. Clip, clip. Here we go again. Every morning we have to go through this routine. I can see myself now in the mirror as he clips away at me yet again. Never does this man leave me in peace. If he’s not staring at me or stroking me, then he’s clipping and tugging away at me. Just who does he think he is that’s what I’d like to know? His vanity is quite something else to behold and rather misplaced considering it’s me everyone really talks about and comes to see. What no one else knows and only I do, is that to enable himself to look at me properly, he has to stand on a little block he found especially for this daily ritual.
The first time he tried to preen me, he was standing in front of the dressing room mirror and could only see a small part of me. Now we all know people in the world of show business are mainly short-arsed, but he’s a dwarf compared to some. It took quite a while until he found something suitable to stand on in order to see me in my full glory. Now he wouldn’t like you all to know that, would he? Oh no, he with his little raised hidden heels in his shoes. Oh-you didn’t know about that either? Well I could tell you all sorts of things, but I haven’t got the time now. We’re getting ready to film more shows for this ‘Deal or no Deal’ programme we’re on most days.
I say we, because he couldn’t do it without me. You see, he needs me to hide behind. He thinks I add a little distinction or something. Well of course I do, just look at me. We all know that I’m the real star of the show. After all, what is this book called? Yes, that’s right, not the Noel Edmonds Anthology, it’s the Noel Edmonds BEARD Anthology. We all, that is except the man himself, realise it’s me who is the star and who everyone comes to see. Oh I do laugh at that. If only he realised that it’s really me who has the power and not him at all. He doesn’t know it yet, but I’ve got another few little surprises for him again today. Wonder if he’ll find out what they are before filming. I do hope not as I love a good laugh.
Anyway, I digress - back to the clipping. He is peering intently at me in the mirror now. He’s leaning in very close and staring hard at something. What? What and who do you think you’re staring at? Back off and leave me alone buster. You’ve done enough to me for one day already haven’t you? There will be hardly any of me left if you keep going at this rate. Go away, I say and leave me alone.
Oh God, the tweezers are out. What’s he seen now? Yes, he’s coming in for the kill. Closer, closer he comes until, oh, yes, I thought so he’s seen them. Damn, I had hoped to get away with it this time. Is there nothing this man can’t see. I try each day to add a few surprise grey hairs hoping he won’t notice and that the audience and camera will, but no he’s seen them again. I think they add a little distinguished look to be honest and, let’s face it, he could do with all the help he can get in that quarter couldn’t he? Oh, that’s them gone. A few little tugs and they’re out.
You know what? I think one day I might just go for the ultimate in surprises and turn completely grey overnight. Can you imagine the look on his face if I decided to do that? Oh I am crying aloud with laughter at the very thought of it. I can just see his face now and the horror. Noel Edmonds with a grey beard, the hilarity of it is almost too much to think about. Oh, I could cry for laughing imagining the look on his face when he woke up and saw it. On second thoughts though, I better not. I’ve just realised what it could mean to me. After all, he is a terribly vain man and he might shave me off totally, then where would I be? It might just ring the death knell for me and I don’t want my life cut that short. I quite enjoy all of this stardom I’m receiving.
No, for now I think I’ll just have to settle for the odd stray mismatched hair here and there. He does get annoyed and frustrated when I step out of line, but sometimes I have to let him realise who’s really in charge around here. He likes me to be kept in my place at all times. Well, I’ll show him who’s boss and so tomorrow for my little bit of daily fun, I may just add a touch of ginger. Now THAT would be funny.